Story: Imposter Syndrome. Chapter 2.

by Jackie J

Chapter 2

Taken back to the room, that she had been told would be her own, Miss Ruskin left Jen to her thoughts, on the assurance that she would be back shortly to supervise her first day a cleaner at Doctor James’s residence.

Jennifer sat on the bed not knowing whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity of her situation. She had been told there would be role play, but this?  Jen, she was to be Jen a cleaner. Being told to strip like she had, and actually doing it in front of Samantha, Whoops, Mistress, my Mistress? Really?  This Ruskin woman, she was odd when I arrived, a brute of a woman, no messing with her for sure.

Jennifer inspected the plainly decorated en suite room she had been allocated, basic and small. A shrug of the shoulders and a wry smile looking in the closet and drawers. What did she expect? Plain underwear, and an assortment of unfashionable and well-worn clothing was all she found. Jennifer ran her fingers across the fabric of the cheap nylon overalls, that hung on a rail by the bathroom door and inhaled their industrial scent. The odour filling her senses, Jennifer felt that same comforting calm and humbling weakness she had felt earlier with Doctor James, her Mistress. The temptation was too great, and having taken it from the end of the rail she stepped into the primrose overall and fastened the large buttons. Roomy, long sleeved with its hem to her lower calf, Jen reached for one of the turbans from the rail and knotted it in place. Having volunteered herself into her workwear and staring into the wall mirror she hardly recognised herself. Jennifer, filled with a not unpleasant numbness, stumbled back to the bed, and sat down heavily with panting breath.

Calming a little, she smiled to herself, “Conditioning”, my goodness, whatever this conditioning is it is working on me. The feelings she had just experienced, staring into the mirror, the same, although more so, more real than those she had felt earlier in the room with Doctor James. In that moment, much like before, she was Jen, accepted she was Jen it was Jen the cleaner that stared back at her. Fleeting, those feelings and emotions may have been, they were liberating, intoxicating and desirous.

Jennifer had not lost touch with reality, not yet she knew who she was, but being Jen, a cleaner, was such a safe place wasn’t it, and all she deserved, Doctor James had told her that. Doctor James was her Mistress now, odd but the connotations of that title, Mistress, of ownership, of being owned offered its own yet complimentary sense of sanctuary, a safe and welcome sanctuary away from the judgemental criticism, imagined, perceived or actual.

Jennifers thoughts and reflections were interrupted by the entrance of Miss Ruskin into her room. There had been no polite knock and Jennifer was unsure what to say or do. Olga was already stood imposingly in front of her seated cleaner before Jennifer had the chance to clear her thoughts.

“How interesting that you have already prepared yourself for work, the overall and turban suit you well. Keen to start your new life being a cleaner, are we? I must ensure that enthusiasm is maintained, I will have no slacking from the likes of you. Now, on your feet, come on up you get, Jen.”

Jennifer stood slowly from the bed. In her mind, with the clothes she wore, the overall and the mocking tone of the housekeeper, ridiculous of course, but how easily it would be to accept that this was indeed to be the start of a new life, her new life, the life of a cleaner. Jennifer could not help a soft smile at such thoughts whilst smoothing out her overall and recalling that is what Doctor James wants her to accept, before she can move forward. Jennifer was not concerned, on the contrary, she was pleased, the effect that her conditioning was having on her, to have such thoughts. It wasn’t ridiculous at all was it, why shouldn’t she accept that this is her life now, that of a cleaner, isn’t that all she truly deserves.

Olga Ruskin had three months and one job. To consolidate the beliefs of a mentally fragile Jennifer Forbes, that she is unworthy and undeserving of the life she leads and all that it brings. That Jennifer Forbes is a worthless fraud. To contrive the mental capitulation of Jennifer Forbes to accept the life of Jen, a lowly cleaner, before willingly accepting to become one of Doctor James’s housemaids, proving Doctor James’s theory.

Olga surveyed her challenge, encouraged by seeing Jen already in her cleaner’s smock and a shy smile on her face. Doctor James truly believes that this woman wants this, to retreat from her fame and fortune, of which she does not feel worthy or deserve, into frugal anonymity, but a house maid, really? Despite witnessing convincing displays of this woman’s willing connivance for her own demise thus far, Olga was unsure that the famous Jennifer Forbes shared Doctor James ‘s interpretation of a successful outcome to her treatment, “Conditioning” as Doctor James likes to call it. Olga was not going to let her reservations stand in the way of fulfilling Doctor James’s request and receiving the significant financial reward she had been promised for her efforts.

Olga stood back from the self-proclaimed imposter Jennifer Forbes and smiled cynically at the soon to be housemaid, Jen. 

“Before you start your time here being my cleaner, let me make you aware of something. I have no interest in your past, who you were or what you were before you came here. Because whatever that was, I know, and you know that you didn’t deserve it and that is all over for you now. We get what we deserve in life and we both know that all that you deserve is to be a domestic servant, a cleaner, a miss scrub it. With you having already dressed yourself in one of your cleaners’ overalls, I see that you are ready to commence your new life, to submit to your conditioning, to your Mistresses desires and intentions for you. Why you would want this is no concern of mine, I am solely responsible for your conditioning which starts now.”

“My rules are simple, you will refer to me as Miss, or Miss Ruskin at all times, speak when spoken to and do exactly what you are told, how you are told and when you are told. These are not guidelines open to interpretation they are rules. Stray from these simple rules and you will find that I have no tolerance for indiscretion and my inducements to conform most unpleasant. 

Jennifer was becoming increasingly apprehensive about her conditioning. Miss Ruskin’s tone was menacing, and it sounded like she would be punished in some way, in an unpleasant way. Jennifer had been dressed like a bag lady which she accepted and now willingly wore a cleaners’ overall. Both experiences had, whilst only momentarily, engendered strange but quite pleasurable debilitating feelings and emotions, releasing her from past anxieties, it was like she was Jen, just a cleaner. She had asked for this, agreed to this, paid for this but “Unpleasant inducements”. That, and the way this Ruskin woman spoke was quite intimidating and there was an inference of permanency to her life of being Jen, a domestic servant. Jennifer needed to know what the housekeeper meant and sought to clarify the situation.

“That’s all a little draconian, isn’t it?  I understand I am to be a cleaner but you make it sound like…”

The stinging slap across Jen’s face left her wide eyed wobbling backwards before a second slap across her other check saw her drop to her knees.

Jennifer looked up from the floor in shock.

“What are you doing, argh!”

A firm grip, taken of Jen’s overall’s collar by the large hands of Olga, had Doctor James’s new cleaner spluttering and dragged back to her feet.

Olga glared at Jen.

“Did I speak to you, ask a question, ask for your opinion? No.”

Grabbing and squeezing the scruff of Jen’s neck Olga forced her new cleaner back down onto her knees.

“I have just told you my rules, let us see if the inducement of time in the box room teaches you to obey them.”

Jen whimpered and begged incoherently being dragged from her room, along a corridor, down a further set of steps, through a doorway and pushed into a small and restrictive cage. The cage door closed Jennifer struggled to turn in the small space and screamed.

“What are you doing, you can’t do this to me, I want to see Doctor James, now, get Doctor James now.”

What little light there was became total blackness when the door to the room she was now in closed.

Hunched on her knees, locked in a cage with little room to move, and her cheeks still smarting from the two vicious slaps she had received, tears rolled down Jennifers cheeks. Unheard, Jennifer screamed for help, cursed the housekeeper, demanded to speak to Doctor James until her voice was hoarse and her head slumped into her lap softly sobbing.

How long she remained caged in the silent darkness she did not know, but long enough to know she never wanted to be subjected to such an experience again.

Light, and the sound of bolts being draw heightened Jennifer’s senses and, from her uncomfortable hunched position blinked in the relative brightness staring through the grid of her cage at the boots and stout calves of her tormentor. Gazing upwards, through the top of the cage with bleary eyes, Miss Ruskin looked even more intimidating than before. Conditioning? What had she agreed to, certainly not this. Her throat sore and her voice weakened by her previous deviance Jennifer raised her voice the best she could.

“I am Jennifer Forbes for goodness’ sake, you can’t do this to me, you can’t, let me out of this contraption now. I demand to see Samantha, to see Doctor James, you will pay for this.”

Olga said nothing smirking down at her cleaners pathetic and weak pleading.

Seeing no reaction from the housekeeper Jennifers somewhat aggressive pleading turned to hopeful begging.

“Please let me out, let me out now and I will say nothing, I won’t tell Doctor James, I promise, just let me out please.”

Olga let the begging continue until satisfied at her cleaner’s state of distress. Her words at first confusing an already distraught and disorientated Jennifer.

“Well, I am afraid I can only let one of you out, because it sems that there are two of you in there. I could be mistaken of course, perhaps I misheard the name Forbes. But I need to be sure, so you tell me who should I let out and who you will be leaving locked in there”.

It was a cruel and impossible conundrum to tease and confuse Jennifer further. Who was coming out of this restrictive cramped cage. This couldn’t continue it had to stop, she must call a halt to this madness before she truly loses her mind, it was utter madness. She had accepted being dressed up like a domestic, but this was going too far, and this woman had slapped her, and it hurt, she had had enough. 

“Me let me out I am Jennifer Forbes, please stop this now, let me out, you can leave this Jen woman, this cleaner locked in here.”

The cage door was opened but then quickly slammed shut and the lock re engaged.

Olga laughed.

“This way Miss Forbes, like you have asked we will leave the cleaner where it is.”

The outer door closed plunging the room once again into darkness.

Jennifer squirmed in the confines of her incarceration and pulled forlornly on the locked cage door and with what strength she could muster shouted into the blackness.

“Come back, come back, don’t leave me here, please, please, come back.”

This couldn’t be happening, it just couldn’t. Unrelieved cramp turned to a dull aching stiffness, Jennifer drifting in and out of consciousness. In the total silence and blackness Jennifer’s imagination wondered, wrestling with the incongruousness of her situation.  Jennifer had been let out of the cage; Jen the cleaner had been left locked in the cage; she was locked in the cage. She wore the overall, she was Jen, no she was Jennifer, the mental conflict continued unabated. Jennifer Forbes’s conditioning and debasement well underway.

When the outer door opened again, and the light stimulated her senses, there was no aggressive demands from the contents of the cage just a defeated expression gazing up at Miss Ruskin.

“You poor thing it must be so uncomfortable in there and I am sure you want to come out and not be put back in there, am I right?”

Jennifer spoke in no more than a whisper.

“Yes, yes please, I want to come out, please let me out.”

Olga walked around the cage tapping it with her hand.

“Of course, you do. The last time I came down here there was some confusion of identity and compliance to my rules, but there will be no more confusion will there Jen.”

The cage door sprung open, and it was Jen that crawled out on her hands and knees. With her cleaner not readily able to stand Miss Ruskin squatted and placed her hand under and raised its chin.

“Not a pleasant experience was it Jen, being locked up like that, but it was what you deserved wasn’t it. But Jen is not going back in there is she? No, because Jen is going to do what she is told, how she is told and when she is told. Most importantly Jen will only speak when spoken to. That right isn’t it, Jen?”

A befuddled Jen looked into the demanding eyes of Miss Ruskin accepting that this was all part of her conditioning, conditioning that she had agreed to, what she wanted, what she was paying for, and meekly responded.

“Yes Miss Ruskin”

Eight weeks the cleaner at Doctor James’s residence and the unfashionable well-worn ill-fitting clothes along with her overalls and turbans that Jen wore, now just the accepted norm. Not only Jen’s clothing proclaimed her accepted lowly status, with only a basic cheap soap for washing, and the absence of lotions and cosmetics Jen’s skin and complexion held a common dry pastiness. Her hands now roughed, and her manicured nails long gone from her labours. With the dusty work and without the benefit of shampoo or conditioner Jens’ hair become frizzy and lank with split ends and, with her dark roots more than just showing, accepted Miss Ruskin’s suggestion. Shorter and with the blonde pretence abandoned, Jen’s hair now commonly natural in shade, a mousey brown, practical and in a more manageable style most fitting for a domestic. Rewarded for her acceptance of this new style Jen did now have the use of a cheap shampoo and conditioner.

Jennifers Forbes “Conditioning” had been both insidious and effective. Building from her own doubts of self-worth, and being Isolated from any other reality or contradiction, to who and what she was, Jen had eventually acquiesced completely to Doctor James program of treatment, being fully accepting, and embracing her lowly status.  During the first three weeks Jennifer found the actual work of a cleaner unfamiliar, tedious, and of course physically demanding.  Miss Ruskin having to provide some conventional encouragement to maintain Jennifers enthusiasm to become Jen. Beyond the early weeks however, all that Miss Ruskin required, to control her developing housemaid, was the threat of being forced to return to her past life.

 Jen knew who she had been, but she had been freed from that despicable undeserved life hadn’t she. It had all been false, a sham, she never deserved being Jennifer Forbes. Jen wasn’t sure how she knew that, but she did. Jen didn’t even want to think of being that imposter now that she had become a cleaner for Doctor James.

Miss Ruskin had told Jen that, for being a good cleaner, she now deserved to become a housemaid, and wear a pretty uniform, like the ones in the pictures she had been shown. Jen knew that she deserved to become a housemaid for her Mistress, Miss Ruskin had told her that so many times. Jen had been temptingly shown her new uniforms but could not wear them yet. Jen knew she deserved to wear the housemaid uniforms; Miss Ruskin had told her that so many times.

So long respecting, and unquestioningly complying to Miss Ruskin’s rules, during her every waking moment, had the desired effect Doctor James had sought for Miss Jennifer Forbes. Being a television presenter Jennifer needed to be articulate and confident having to think on her feet use her initiative and be creative.  With only speaking when spoken to and doing exactly what she was told, when she was told and how she was told Jen’s conditioning had left her sharing none of these traits. Her vocabulary had become restricted to mainly Yes Miss, and thank you Miss, she needed little else. Always being told what, when and how to do everything, she had become nervous and unsure, unwilling, and eventually incapable of making any decisions of her own. Jen knowing that she must always wait for and obey the instructions given to her by Miss Ruskin. 

Samantha had purposely not met with her cleaner, relying on reports from her Housekeeper Miss Ruskin. It had been important, during the initial period of consolidation, that Jennifer Forbes had no physical points of reference or familiarity to ensure there would be no regression. Sufficient that the cleaner Jen knew that she had a mistress.

Olga had been told by Doctor James what she believed the outcome of Miss Jennifer Forbes conditioning would be but found it hard to accept that this famous woman, who lived a privileged life and outwardly had everything, before she willingly agreed to her “Conditioning” and now reduced to a common cleaner, was actually happy, but Jen was.

During their most recent update meeting Olga asked Doctor James if this transition would be permanent. Samantha sat back and laughed before taking a sip of her wine.

“We are merely facilitating supressed desires. I have explained my theory before and you have said yourself, beyond the kick start to her conditioning that you had to give her in the cellars, that she is happy, content even. Rich and famous Jennifer Forbes may have been, but believe me, she was all screwed up. I have helped her, and she will help me. Still, we have not finished have we. Let’s get Jen out of her rags now and smartened up, from what you tell me our cleaner is ready for its promotion to housemaid. Bring back the other staff and move Jen to the upper floor for the last part of her indoctrination. Regarding your question, will Jennifer Forbes remain locked within the persona of Jen, a domestic servant? I honestly don’t know.