Story: Imposter Syndrome. Chapter 1.

By Jackie J

Leaving the offices of leading psychiatrist and psychotherapist Doctor James, Jennifer was relieved in some way, but also a little perturbed. With her Trench coat belt fastened, its collar up, dark glasses in place and a headscarf tugged tight, Jennifer was confident that no one would recognise her whilst she made her way back to the car that she had rented. She couldn’t have risked arriving in her own car, with its personalised number plate. Her easily recognised car, parked outside London’s renowned psychiatric clinic, would inevitably lead to awkward questions by the seemingly ever present and eager paparazzi. Miss Jennifer Forbes, known to millions, to be the confident and assertive consumer champion, who graced their television screens twice weekly, was in fact, suffering a crisis of identity, of self-worth and self-doubt, to believe herself undeserving of all she was, and all she had.

 Things had come to a head, following the publication of a critical article in the media by the reviewer Connie Black. Jennifer had already been, whilst she hid it well, emotionally distressed for weeks. She had to do something, and she had, visiting the highly regarded doctor, Samantha James.

Now at least she had a name for what she was suffering from, but a cure? She would of course follow what Miss James had told her to do, before she was to return the following week, but failed to see how this would help.

Sat in the small rental car Jennifer could not fully relax. She would not feel secure, safe even, until she was back in her apartment, it never used to be like this. Outgoing and friendly, she welcomed publicity, meeting people on the streets who recognised her but, since the judgemental article by Connie Black, all that changed. Used to being an ever present on the social scene, now reluctant to accept invitations. Only attending the most special of occasions, and even then, fearful of betraying her true feelings and emotions, rarely staying long.

She was an undeserving fraud after all wasn’t she, the reviewer Connie Black had said as much. Jennifer had received no formal training for what she did on screen, was she really any good at what she did? She had placed herself on a pedestal, not her public. Was she pretty or was it just good lighting and makeup? A regional accent, she can’t even speak correctly. What Connie Black had written constantly playing on her mind.

Jennifer was glad she had taken the first step in meeting with Doctor James she had been able to unburden herself. She could never have trusted anyone else to share her inner thoughts, what she thought of herself, how worthless and undeserving she was. But now she had, it was done, and Doctor Samantha James knew everything, her darkest imaginings. 

Lying on the soft leather sofa, Jennifer's insecurities had been slowly drawn from her until Doctor James was in little doubt of what her famous patient was suffering from. Hard to credit that this same woman, portraying such an outwardly confident, forceful persona, especially on screen, tackling rogue traders and the like, was in fact becoming increasingly timid believing herself unworthy, undeserving, a fraud. The critical article in the media, having no doubt tipped her over the edge, brought latent, supressed self-doubt to the surface and into her conscious mind.

Three more sessions under the treatment of Miss Samantha James and little progress had been made, if anything, Jennifer thought her condition was getting worse not better. It was as if the sessions on Doctor James couch were reinforcing the thoughts raised by Connie Blacks article rather than dispelling them.

Despite little progress being made, in digging out the roots of her problems, Jennifer was thankful that Samantha had managed to help her through to the end of another season of “Consumers Champion”.

The three months break between filming, four months including the location planning, could not have come at a better time for Jennifer. She was drained by her work, and a continuing believe that her projected persona was a sham, a pretence, and undeserved.

Jennifer had planned, “A get away from it all extended vacation in the Scottish Highlands”, to refresh and recharge, that was until Samantha, Doctor James, suggested something quite different.  Jennifer could not carry on like she was, she knew that. Jennifer, with the help of Samantha, had just about held it together for the last episodes of the show. She had confided in Doctor James, told her everything, Jennifer had put her faith in the Doctor, if she could not trust Samantha, who could she trust.

It all seemed a bit cloak and dagger, but Jennifer had been convinced that it had to be so to prevent the media becoming involved, and she didn’t want that did she. Jennifer was desperate to rid herself of these wretched feelings and at a point where she would do and try anything that would help. Anything that Samantha suggested.

It made sense, what Doctor James had, without much detail, explained to her. She would have to do something before the next series and filming began.

Everything would be provided; Samantha’s fees much less than the cost of the Scottish adventure Jennifer had planned. “Conditioning” Dr James called it, which sounded much better to a receptive Jennifer, than treatment. Jennifer had done some role playing in Samantha’s offices at the clinic, but this would be more than role play, a lot more. Jennifer understood that and enthusiastically agreed to her “Conditioning” whatever that would involve.

Doctor James had been studying Imposter Syndrome for some time, initially just another subject of interest, perhaps developing towards a passion but nothing more. Since having the famous Miss Jennifer Forbes on her couch however, that passion had developed into more of an obsession.

Samantha had developed a theory and what better way to prove that theory than with such a high-profile patient, a celebrity, known to millions. if she was right, and Samantha believed she was, publicity, and plenty of it, would be assured.

Doctor James had purposely kept Jennifer on the edge, convincing her progress was being made, until her current commitments to the consumer program were finished. Now, with the series over, and with the celebrity’s consent, Miss Jennifer Forbes was to give herself over to Doctor James for her “Conditioning”. Jennifer having been convinced it was the best, if not the only way to regain her self-esteem. Jennifer unaware of Doctor Samantha James’s true motivation.

Tomorrow was the big day and Jennifer laid in her bed running through a mental checklist of her preparations. Preparations dictated to her by Dr James. She had bought tickets for the sleeper train to Scotland and informed her agent that is where she was going. Much to her agent’s annoyance, she had given no address and informed the long-suffering Violet that her mobile would be switched off. Jennifer had packed clothes for her vacation, although she knew she would not be wearing them. All part of the elaborate ruse, concocted by Samantha, in the believable pretence of keeping the press at bay. With her mail redirected to a post box number, provided by the good doctor, she had just the one job left in the morning, to lock all her valuables in the safe. She was to wait in the lobby to be collected, ensuring the concierge and caretaker of the apartment building were both aware of her travel plans. An extended holiday in the Highlands of Scotland.

Samantha’s housekeeper, Miss Ruskin, herself a qualified psychiatric nurse, had been well briefed on Doctor James’s intentions. Olga had accommodated and participated in the treatment of Miss Samantha’s “House patients” on previous occasions and was quite looking forward to assisting in the treatment of this particular patient. Olga knew the woman from Television, she was famous, a household name and could not help laughing out loud when Doctor James told her what she had planned for the celebrity. The laughter of course ceased, to be replaced with a broad smile, when Olga was told of the significant bonus that she would receive, for a successful outcome to Doctor James’s project.

 All was prepared behind the high walled perimeter, that framed the gardens of the secluded private residence, of Dr Samantha James’s. 24 Westfield Park Gardens.

Jennifer was used to blacked out windows on vehicles but these windows, in the back of the limousine that had collected her from the rear of her apartment block, where very dark. After only a short time into the journey Jennifer gave up trying to see out of them and where they were going. The no less concealing glass partition, between the rear of the vehicle and the driver, prevented any conversation and Jennifer sat back and pondered what lay ahead for her.

The chauffeur said little, apart from common courtesies, before driving away leaving Jennifer stood on the pavement of a leafy suburban avenue outside the gated entrance of an impressive property. A discreet brass plate at the side of the entrance proclaimed the name and qualifications of the resident, Jennifer was at the correct address.

With Jennifer having pressed the bell, at the side of tall decorative iron gates, a stern voice crackled over the intercom.

“State your business”.

Jennifers voice broke a little at the abruptness of the demand.

“It, its Jennifer, Jennifer Forbes to see Dr James she is...”

A loud buzz from the intercom cut Jenny off mid-sentence and the large gates slowly started to swing open.

Making her way along the driveway Jennifer appreciated the well-tended gardens and pristine lawns. The size of the residence was not clear until Jennifer had passed through the gate and beyond the tall trees, which offered a high degree of privacy and served to deaden the traffic noise from the adjacent road. Georgian, she guessed, three floors, no less impressive than the gardens that surrounded the magnificent building. Jennifer wondered if the interior was just as stunning as the exterior.

The tall and imposing figure of Olga Ruskin stood at the top of the steps leading up to the main entrance. With her arms folded across her ample breasts she watched the famous and immaculately dressed Miss Jennifer Forbes approach. The celebrity with her head held high and confident stride, looked like she had just stepped out of the television screen.

A cool welcome by a cynically smiling Olga, Jennifer entered Dr James’s home and was shown into a tastefully furnished reception room.  Olga left the room without a word closing the door behind her.

There was a cleanliness to the room, much like the doctors’ offices at the clinic. No clutter everything looking just so. Jennifer was admiring a small statuette when the door behind her opened and in stepped Doctor James.

“A gift from one of my patients beautiful isn’t it, such detail for something so small.”

Samantha sat and offered Jennifer to sit opposite her and smiled.

“Welcome to my home Jennifer, I hope you are prepared for your time here? It is important that you have an open mind for a successful outcome.”

Jennifer harboured some reservations but had been convinced by Doctor James this was the best way to exercise her demons and free herself from her mental torment.

“Such a lovely house you have Samantha, it must take a lot of looking after.”

Dr James hid her thoughts at Jennifers comments.

“Yes, it does, but I have released my domestics given that you will be staying here, I am not sure that I could have relied on their discretion. I just have my Housekeeper, Miss Ruskin, who met you on your arrival, to assist me during your stay.”

“Well, you are here for a reason Jennifer so if you are ready l think we should begin?” 

“Now, we discussed the principle of the proposed “Conditioning” when we last met at the clinic. It is clear, and we both agreed, that despite your sessions with me you have failed to accept that you are worthy, still believing yourself undeserving of your status. In fact, during our last meeting you concluded that you deserve nothing of what you have, that this Connie Black woman was right about you.”

“Based on our previous sessions, I have drafted a personalised conditioning plan for your stay here.  A program to work through, in the privacy of my residence. Trust me, that at its conclusion, you will be in no doubt of your status, that you are fully deserving of it and all it brings. The details you must leave to me, I am the doctor after all. Given our work together will require your total commitment to my program, I would like you to confirm your understanding of what your conditioning will entail, what I told you at the clinic”.

Whilst the details she had been given were vague, Jennifer was anxious to proceed, to get started, and sat forward in her chair.

“From what I remember, I am to be stripped of my status and the possessions, that I have told you I feel I am undeserving of, effectively reducing me to the lowest of social rank, without influence or privilege. Then, with guidance, I am to learn to accept the realities of such disempowerment by being placed in roles and environments that you decide are most appropriate for me. During my conditioning I will come to fully appreciate what I have and that I truly deserve it. I think that is it, my conditioning?”

Samantha smiled.

“That’s right, the how and when you have entrusted to me. You signed a disclaimer before your first session at my offices and you will be pleased to know this will cover your “Conditioning” away from the clinic, here in my home. You are securely in my care now Jennifer, there can be no going back. That just leaves one last thing before we commence, your handbag please, I presume that you brought everything I requested.

Jennifer took a breath; she had thought what her conditioning would involve but had been given no actual details. Now she would find out exactly what she had signed up for. From Jennifers unwavering enthusiasm it is unlikely she knew that she actually had signed up, and for whatever Doctor James wished to do with and to her. The disclaimer she had signed, before her first treatment at the clinic, being specific to entitled psychiatrists, giving extensive powers under the mental health act.

The mentally fragile Jennifer Forbes, having unknowingly volunteered herself to be a residential patient, and placed herself into the care of Doctor James, though rich and famous, she was now little more than a lab rat, just part of Samantha’s experiment. There of course is no mention of the word conditioning, in Miss Jennifer Forbes’s records, that will be offered for peer review before there intended publication, only the word treatment. Miss Jennifer Forbes’s treatment was about to begin.

Jennifer indicated no reservation or showed any hesitation in her reply and passed her bag to Samantha.

“Yes, I brought everything that you asked for, here it is “

Doctor James emptied the bag onto the low table between them. Apartment keys, car keys, mobile, wallet with debit, credit and charge cards, passport, and an envelope. An envelope containing Jennifers safe combination, and all her pin numbers. This last item, the envelope, demanded by Samantha, being symbolic to reinforce Jennifers acceptance of her submission to, and dependence on, the good Doctor James. A patient could not offer a more meaningful token of total trust and acceptance of the treatment they were to receive, than such an act, could they?

Samantha flicked though the contents of Jennifers handbag spread out on the table and chuckled seeing the cluster of very expensive cosmetics, lipstick, concealer, and mascara.

Samantha, Doctor James, was now ready to begin the conditioning of Miss Jennifer Forbes. Not to dispel her feelings, of unworthiness, that she was undeserving of all she had, but to actually nurture and reinforce all such thoughts. Could that be done? Samantha’s theory was to prove it could.

“O dear we don’t deserve these luxuries do we, still, they are mine now, along with everything else you once owned and of course never deserved, because you are not deserving of anything are you. So, we begin, and I will start with your name.”

“Jennifer Forbes is a well-known rich television personality; were as you are a penniless nothing. I have a simple common name for you, Jen, could a name be more simple and common than Jen, not even a complete name, you of course have no second name of consequence because you don’t deserve one, you are just known as Jen.  A simple common name for a simple common woman.”

“Now Jen, you can strip out of those fancy clothes you are wearing, you know you don’t deserve to own and wear such fine things. Get them off now underwear, everything, fold the clothes neatly and place them on the drawers by the wall, then stand by the fireplace.

Jennifer was shocked at the sudden change in manner of Samantha, it was as if someone had flipped a switch, and what she had said about her, there was a sense of gloating in her tone. True to her word, the doctor had taken all her of her possessions and very convincingly made Jennifer aware that all she owned was now hers. Jennifer had stared blankly whilst Doctor James told her she was undeserving of a famous name and branded her Jen, a simple common woman with a simple common name, Jen.

When instructed to strip naked Jennifer instinctively pulled her arms across her chest a sign of reluctance, her voice trembling a little.

“But, but, but Samantha, is this necessary, really, to strip off here, everything?”

Samantha’s tone became more authoritative with a hint of coercive menace.

“Samantha, Samantha, you will do well to remember your place, Doctor James, Doctor James to the likes of you, don’t let me hear you using that name again. Have you forgotten why you are here? You don’t deserve to wear such beautiful clothes, now get them off and do as you are told. Don’t ever question me again. In fact, you will not speak unless spoken too, do you understand, you stupid woman.” 

Samantha raised her voice but in a controlled manner.

“Well Jen, do you understand, do you?”

Jennifer had not prepared herself for this, she was starting to panic, it was all so sudden, so drastic, being spoken to like this, talked down to like this. Now being told to strip naked? What could she do? She had asked for all this, agreed to all this, paid a lot of money for all this. The doctor must know what she is doing, she couldn’t stop things now and offered up her meek capitulation to Samantha’s will.

“Sorry, sorry it’s just, it’s just well I am sorry Doctor James, yes, I understand, I understand”.

Her reluctance to present herself naked was short lived, unbuttoning her suit jacket and undoing the clasp of her skirt before drawing down its zipper. Stepping from her skirt, which had glided down her shapely stockinged legs to her ankles, she stooped to pick it from the floor. Along with the jacket she placed them where she had been told.  Samantha stared at Jennifer enjoying a perverse pleasure in having someone so famous meekly, if somewhat reluctantly, stripping naked on her command. There was something quite erotic watching Jennifers delicate lingerie being slowly removed and placed with her silk blouse, designer suit and heels.

Samantha stood from her chair and walked towards an increasingly nervous, embarrassed, and shivering Jennifer, who had moved to stand by the fireplace like she had been told.

“There, now that wasn’t that difficult was it.”

 Samantha stroked her manicured fingers down the nape of Jennifers neck over her shoulders then pouched one of Jennifers firm breasts before controllingly squeezing its nipple.

“Now I told you no jewellery didn’t I. Take those diamond studs out of your ears and give them to me. As if someone like you could afford anything so expensive and pretty.”

A sash by the fireplace pulled, Olga was called, and she entered the room. Seeing the television icon close to tears stood naked and sheepishly hunched, next to Doctor James, Olga resisted her urge for mocking laughter.

Samantha nudged and prodded Jennifer forward.

“This is Jen, Miss Ruskin, she came here, most inappropriately dressed like a lady, but she as now removed all those fine clothes because she knows she never deserved to wear them.” 

“Let me share something about Jen with you Miss Ruskin. She was a rich and successful television personality who had everything but deserved none of it. Jen knows she was undeserving of her fame and fortune; she told me these many times. Jen is going to start work here being my cleaner. Because Jen knows that is all she deserves to be. I am doubtful she enjoys any cleaning skills, but I am sure she will be a quick learner with your instruction and strict discipline. When you are convinced that she has proven herself to be an accomplished cleaner, but more importantly, that Jen herself is convinced she is no more than an accomplished clearer, I will decide what we should do with her”.

Samantha, confident from Jennifers timid demeanour, that her patient’s disorientation progressed well, lifted Jennifers chin and smiled looking directly into her teary eyes.

“Perhaps Jen will eventually graduate from being your clearer to make a good housemaid for me Miss Ruskin, we will have to see how well she develops.”

Jennifer was crimson with embarrassment, being paraded naked in front of this butch Woman, Miss Ruskin, and listening to Samantha. Her mind was racing Dr James made it sound like it was real, like she had thought of herself all along that she was indeed a fraud and did not deserve all she had. But isn’t that what the Doctor said she would do, make it real, to help her? But it still felt wrong, uncomfortably so.

If what was happening to Jennifer was unsettling what was to follow, would unsettle her further.

Samantha gave Jennifer another prod, shuffling her forward towards a smirking Miss Ruskin.

“Take this, to its room get that muck scrubbed of its face and dressed appropriately, then bring it back here.

“Yes Doctor James, certainly”.

Olga grabbed Jennifers wrist and pulled her to and through the door.

Dragged forward Jennifer looked over her shoulder at the smiling Doctor James. Why was Samantha being so awful to her, a cleaner, her cleaner? Jennifer had little time to think being marched along the hallway and down steps into the cellars. Thrust into a dimly lit room Olga pointed to the sink in the corner.

“You will find wipes and what you need to remove your makeup get to it, don’t make Doctor James wait.”

Jennifer was sniffling now and with trembling fingers erased all traces of her make up. Jennifer never left home without full make up and looked at her plain features in the mirror.

Olga could see Jennifer had finished her task and pointed to the plain underwear she had laid out on the bed.

“Start getting dressed.” 

Jennifer picked up the plain cotton pants and bra, obviously not new, in fact well worn, she had little option but to wear them, being glared at by Olga.  Stood in the baggy knickers and ill-fitting bra Jennifer was in emotional distress seeing the dull coloured ensemble of a cheap longish skirt, a scruffy patterned blouse and a cardigan, the cardigan misshapen from its many washings. Heavy denier knee highs and worn canvas shoes for her feet. Nothing matched and nothing fitted well all loose and baggy.

Jennifers hair looked completely out of place with the rest of her. Olga had a solution for this last sign of privilege, scraping Jennifers hair back into a tight ponytail with the use of a bright pink bobble.

Jennifer wanted to cry, scream, tell this amazon of a woman to go and get her own clothes back from Doctor James. Of course, she did nothing saving for a soft whimper of acceptance.

Taken back to the reception room the stylish Doctor James was waiting and smiled at the appearance of the Television personality that was, that was Miss Jennifer Forbes. Devoid of makeup and her coiffured hair scrapped back into a ponytail, nothing more than a plain Jane at best, and looking much older than her thirty years.  Her wardrobe not detracting from the image Samantha wanted to ingrain into the mind of her Miss Mop, Jen.

It was sudden, it was a lot to take in for Jennifer and Samantha knew this. Time for some credible explanation to get Miss Television personality to agree to what had already been done to her and the further privations she was to suffer.

“Come in Jen, you can leave us for now Miss Ruskin, take a seat, no wait let me put this cloth across the upholstery, there that’s better sit on that.”

Jennifer sat, putting her hands in her lap toying with the faded fabric of the bulky ill-fitting skirt she now wore, and looked down at the floor in front of her.

“Why the sad face JEN, you should be happy that we have started your journey, it is all you deserve, being a cleaner, being dressed like you are, looking like you do?” You know that don’t you, you have told me that so many times. You don’t have to pretend anymore you are who you deserve to be now aren’t you, Jen.”

 Jennifer had been numbed by what had happed to her these last hours. She knew she had to go backwards to go forwards, she had been told that. But the way Doctor James now spoke to her, how she now looked and the way she was dressed it was more drastic than she could have imagined. It also seemed that Dr James agreed with and was facilitating her own thoughts and the comments of Connie Black, that she truly was undeserving of who she was and what she had. But strangely and quite unnerving it felt right, she felt safe and accepted that she deserved the humiliating degradation she had suffered. But she had to ask, she had too?

“Sam…. Sorry, sorry Doctor, Doctor James how long will I be kept like this, dressed like this and being your cleaner?”

Samantha looked at Jennifer with a questioning expression, that it was the most absurd thing she could have asked, and Jennifer sought to back track and basically answered her own question.

“You said I would remain your cleaner until Miss Ruskin was satisfied, that I am a good cleaner, but how long, how long will that be?”

Samantha stared into the questioning eyes of Jennifer and spoke slowly, clearly, and authoritatively serving to increase Jennifers unease further.

“Jen you must concentrate on being the best cleaner you can be, because now, you are nothing more than a simple cleaner. Until Miss Ruskin is satisfied that you accept that is all you are, you will remain under the care of Miss Riskin. Miss Ruskin will ensure that you will have no waking thoughts other than those of being a submissive and obedient domestic servant. When Jen accepts who she is she will be rewarded and we shall move forward.  Until such time Jen, you will ask no further questions of me, and Jen will have no further need to call me Doctor James. Jen will refer to and address me as Mistress now that Jen is just my cleaner, not my patient.”

“Miss Jennifer Forbes, who can afford my services, will of course remain my patient, but this is no concern of yours is it, Jen. It is important that you know your place and just so we are clear, who are you, and what are you, what are you Jen, stand up and tell your mistress.”

Jennifer could not help being drawn deeper into Doctor James scheme and could not resist offering her compliance, Jen’s compliance, it was all part of her “Conditioning” wasn’t it? 

Jennifer had spent the last months haunted by her mental denial of her standing and status. Doctor James was now bringing a physical reality to compliment her mental state. Jennifer, under the satisfied gaze of Doctor James, felt herself being overcome by a comforting sense of calm, being possessed by an all-consuming and humbling meekness. Behind her famous façade, this is who she was, what she deserved wasn’t it. It was like the burden of her pretence had been lifted from her. Jennifer, far from now resenting her well-worn ill-fitting clothing and plain and aging appearance, surrendered herself into her own fiction. It was all she deserved wasn’t it, what Jen deserved.

Jennifer stared blankly towards Doctor James, unable to resist her mental transition and capitulation of self and her will, into the perceived sanctuary of the weak and pathetic persona of Doctor James’s cleaner Jen. It was Jen who stood from her cloth covered chair, her posture much less erect and poised than the sophisticated Miss Jennifer Forbes, who had earlier stood tall in her heels arriving at Doctor James’s residence. Nervously toying with the lower buttons of her cardigan Jen slowly raised her gaze and looked at her Mistress.

“I am Jen, your cleaner Mistress.”

 Samantha chuckled under her breath in professional triumph listening to Jennifer Forbes’s confirmation of her willing mental transition, from successful television personality to humble cleaner. Dr James noticed the tell-tale glazing of her cleaner’s eyes, her demeanour, and lack of poise. All confirming that her suspicions and theory had proved correct.

Cocoon this woman’s mental state, within a physical manifestation and persona of her less deserving self, and, with professionally applied encouragement, coercion, and disorientation, the glamourous, confident, rich, and famous star of the television screen, that was Jennifer Forbes, had willingly embraced her transformation into Jen, a dowdy domestic servant.

To prove her theory, a transitory transformation would never convince her peers or the wider medical profession. Samantha however, with her patient acquiescing thus far, to its own demise, had every confidence in the ability of Miss Ruskin to facilitate the perpetuation and consolidation of its present state.

Having tugged the call sash, Samantha smiled at the returning Olga.

Samantha stood from her seat putting her hands on Jen’s shoulders and turning her to face Miss Ruskin.

“Your cleaner Miss Ruskin, keep it busy I am sure there is much to do. Keep me informed of its progress.”

Olga pointed to the door,

“Out you go Jen, left and down the hallway.”