Story: Imposter Syndrome. Chapter 4.

by Jackie J

Jen could not be sure how long it had been, the memories seemed rather distant, but strangely, also quite recent. Hard for her to believe that she ever lived such a tainted existence. Having to hide away, feeling wretched about herself. Jen still had the dreams, but less and less. Dreams of living in luxury but not deserving any of it, living in fear of being discovered, sometimes it seemed so real, like she was another person. Jen knows that is why she had to be conditioned, and that before her conditioning, Jen was pretending to be someone she wasn’t. Jen did not know how she knew that, but she did.

Thankfully under the care of Doctor James, and her conditioning by Miss Ruskin, those destressing delusions have all but disappeared and Jen knows those dreams to be just that, dreams, and nothing more.

It is all quite vague for Jen, and she doesn’t like to think about it, but her life was very different before she came to work for her Mistress, at least she thinks it was, Jen gets confused about it all, and is not really sure. Miss Ruskin tells her that all she needs to know is that she deserves to be one of her maids and that she shouldn’t worry about anything else. Miss Ruskin tells Jen what to do, when to do, and how to do everything, which is good, because Jen gets very nervous and unsure quite a lot.

Being a cleaner was hard at first, but Jen knew that it was all she deserved to be, Miss Ruskin always reminding her of that. Jen is now a housemaid and knows that she deserves to be one of her Mistresses housemaids. Jen was a good cleaner, and now she must be a good housemaid for Miss Ruskin and her Mistress, and she will be.

Another week of being allowed to help in the main residence. Charlotte is fine but the other maid, Gloria, is still recovering from the fall she had. Charlotte told me that I look like someone off the television, but Miss Ruskin told Charlotte to stop teasing me with such nonsense.

 I served table recently for Mistress, she is very attractive and rich. Mistress made me blush when she told me that I looked pretty in my uniform and that she had been told that I was becoming a perfect housemaid.

I am to serve table again this evening, and mistress will have a guest, so I must be at my very, very best. Miss Ruskin told me that this evening will be a test of sorts, an opportunity to display my skills and show that I am truly deserving to be one of Mistresses housemaids.

My thoughts are filled with the evening ahead and, tying my apron tapes into a neat bow, I glance at myself in the mirror and smile adjusting my lace cap. I must look perfect for tonight’s service, and I do. 

Violet’s mind was conflicted, there was anger of course, that her client of many years, a client that provided a healthy income for her, had chosen not to confide in her, not to trust her. That Scotland had been a lie, and that Jennifer had secretly arranged to receive treatment for some weird mental issues. Jennifer had of course wanted to tell Violet of her intentions, but Doctor James had convinced her otherwise. Violets anger however was tempered by a mixture of amusement, curiosity and disbelieve that, the outwardly sophisticated Jennifer she knew, could willingly allow herself to be debased in such a convincing and potentially permanent manner.

Remarkable, that Jen looked, acted, and spoke nothing like the Jennifer Forbes Violet knew. The transformation, in such a relatively short time, was astonishing, quite worryingly so. It would seem that Jennifer had taken self-deprecation to a whole new level. By her own desires, facilitated by Doctor James, she had transformed herself from the pretty, elegant, articulate, and sophisticated lady she was into the plain Jane, working woman she now is, a bloody housemaid for heaven’s sake.

 If all that Violet had seen and heard was true, and why should she doubt it wasn’t, Violet concluded that Jennifer must have suffered a mental breakdown of sorts. Doctor James had stated the blindingly obvious though, telling Violet that poor Jennifer had embraced her inner submissive more deeply than the doctor had anticipated. Even suggesting that there may be some difficulty completing the treatment, with the intended reversal program. That prospect was becoming an increasing concern to Violet.

It was all quite plausible, and a theory remains a theory until it is proved in practice. Jennifer, apparently more than a willing guinea pig to prove Doctor James theory. Violet had known that Jennifer was acting strangely for some time, but this. Jennifer must have been desperate, to agree and to submit herself to such subjugation. But what if the treatment cannot be reversed? What then? Filming was due to start in three weeks, for the next series.

Violet, being guided into the dining room, resolved not be hasty in her judgement, of how to handle this ridiculous situation. She will treat the maid Jen like she would any servant, with polite disdain. To do otherwise could disturb Doctor James treatment and Jennifer, well Jen now, would surely not thank her for that would she.

Seated at the table, Violet did not have to wait long for the entrance of Doctor James’s housemaid. The maid entered the dining room, curtsied, and placed a carafe of wine on the table at the side of Samantha.

“The wine from the cellar you requested Mistress”.

Jen continued without a glance at Violet.

“Cook prepared mackerel to start and lamb to follow with seasonal vegetables. Should I commence service Mistress?”

Samantha poured a little wine into her glass, swilled, and then tasted.

“Mmmm, perfect Jen, yes you may serve now.”

Another curtsy and the maid left the dining room.

Samantha turned to Olga.

“You have taught her well Miss Ruskin, decanting such a delicate vintage takes true dedication and skill.”

Violet just sat staring at the door through which the maid had left. She had read the notes, listened to the recordings, been shown the film footage, but watching Jen approach the table and curtsy, then speak in such a meek voice, her whole persona screaming humble servility. There was little in the aproned servant of the Jennifer Forbes she knew. It could be the uniform of course but Jen looked rather plump, not like the gym worshipping Jennifer. Jen’s hair short and raven black replacing the flowing golden tresses of Miss Forbes. Jennifers flawless subtle makeup, the envy of the millions, who watched her television program, replaced by a heavy foundation and the unflattering application of cheap cosmetics.

Having watched Jen at work, whilst the maid’s appearance and mannerisms bore little resemblance to her client Jennifer Forbes, Violet noticed something quite remarkable. The maid went about its work with a smile on its face. Violet was trying to remember the last time she saw Jennifer Forbes without stress and smiling? Not for a long time, especially more recently, seeming to be carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. The only time she smiled was into the lens of a camera.

The first time the maid and guest’s eyes met, was with the meal over and the desert dishes being removed. An instant shyness became apparent in the maid, but no expression of recognition, or change in the maid’s demeanour, before it scuttled away into the kitchens with the dishes. 

Violet was unsure if the maid had recognised her or not. Violet then chastised herself for actually thinking that way, for mentally dismissing her client and friend Jennifer, to be just the maid. Had the maid recognised her?  Then she smiled and quietly chuckled to herself. So convincing Jen had been serving table, it was hard not to see the maid for what it was, just a maid, and nothing more.

Having left the table, and all seated in the lounge, Jen entered and served drinks then left to be called if required. Violet had considered grabbing the maid and shaking Jennifer from her self-entrancement, but why should she. All the skilfully edited and prepared evidence presented to her, proved that Jennifer wanted to become a maid, had become a maid, and having seen Jen at work, there can be no doubt a very good maid she is. 

Jennifer had, without a word of her intentions, or any consideration of the consequences for anyone else, instigated her own demise. Violet concluded that whatever the doctor proposed, there was little hope of Jennifer, well this maid, being in any fit condition to present the new television series. Violet already considering candidates for Jennifers replacement. But what to do with Jen?

Violet chuckled to herself. Absurd of course, but instead of looking to reverse the process, perhaps the doctor should keep the spoilt bitch for her maid.

Violet smiled to herself taking a healthy sip of her drink. 

Perhaps not that absurd at all, given the trouble and expense, why make poor Jennifer return to having to live that awful rich and spoiled life that she so despised. Every day the poor thing being pampered at the salons and having to wear beautiful designer clothes and expensive jewellery. She brought all this on herself, had asked for this, wanted this, perhaps it is better she remains just like she is, happy knowing it is all she deserves.

Following on from the discussion at the table, Samantha had been unable to gauge Violets true feelings, to what her client had become. Samantha again stressed to Violet the importance of her work, what it could mean for so many troubled souls, save them from irrecoverable breakdowns, institutionalisation, or worse. Give them back a life they know they deserve. A life free from the torment of knowing themselves to be unworthy impostors.

Violet listened to Doctor James taking a further sip of her drink. Violet had already reconciled during the meal, and having just seen the maid serve drinks, that beyond some sort of miracle, Jennifer Forbes would not be in a fit state, physically and mentally, to present her television program any time soon, if ever, but certainly not to the agreed schedule.

Violet put down her glass.

“If I may Samantha, let us forget for a moment that Jen, your maid, was my client and friend Jennifer Forbes. For me that is not so difficult, and, in truth, requires little imagination on my part.

I hear what you are saying about the greater good Samantha, but there just seems something sinister about what you have done to Jennifer. I know from what you have shown me, and the signed documents, that Jennifer wanted this, indeed paid handsomely for this treatment. But did she realise that she would end up like she is? Becoming little more than a domestic drone, one of your housemaids? Too late for her now of course, what is done is done. A perfect maid, I will be the first to admit, having seen her at work this evening. But surely, the whole saga is a little, if not significantly, unethical?

 If I have understood you correctly Samantha. Having allowed your patient to withdraw from a life they resent, a life seen to be nothing more than a demanding pretence, of which they feel unworthy of. You then provide the patient with an environment to immerse themselves in, a manifestation of their believed worth. This allows them to shed the cloak of impending and all-consuming depression. I can see all that, having witnessed the results first-hand. Your maid content about her work with a smile on her face. Jen no doubt happy to be nothing more than a housemaid.

Jennifers treatment this far a triumph for you, an unqualified success. From what you have told me and shown me I think I can understand the desire of Jennifer to retreat mentally into the safe place you have created. The evidence you have shown me confirms Jennifer despised her undeserved life and you have given her a life she truly believes she is deserving of. Unlike you Samantha, I am no doctor or psychologist, but I do see a problem ahead. 

Having provided a sanctuary from Jennifers mental turmoil, and the life she despised, you are now proposing to undo all that good work and take her back to where she was. It is plain to see that Jennifer is more than content to be Jen. In fact, she is Jen, and I doubt that Jen, after what you have put into her head, will be as willing to become Jennifer Forbes, as Jennifer Forbes was to become Jen.

I put it to you Samantha, that you have already proved your theory. That with the correct “Conditioning.” And let us be frank with one another and call it for what it is, “Brainwashing” Those suffering from Imposter Syndrome, can be manipulated, to be taken from their perceived pretence and put into a life more in keeping with their believed worth. A life free from their demons and their potential self-harm.

So, I ask the question, why would they, and why would you want to return them to a life they despised? Like I say, I am no doctor, but surely better to let them persist in their encouraged and self-imposed denial of who and what they were. Allow their transformation to incubate until, with the correct and sympathetic guidance, they will dismiss any and all associations with their previous life, for that life to be no more than, vague and fading imaginings. They could then be considered, no longer in treatment, but cured.”

Samantha stared at Violet, was she right? Samantha had been preoccupied with reversal. The aim was always to find a cure, to alleviate the mental torment of those suffering from Imposter Syndrome. She had a theory and that theory had been proved beyond doubt. The famous television personality, Miss Jennifer Forbes had freed herself from her torment, no longer living a perceived, undeserved life. But for her to remain a maid, would that be a step to far.

Samantha had always considered that a housemaid would be desirous of personal betterment.  A motivator for Jen to work her way back, step by deserving step, to becoming Jennifer Forbes again. A Jennifer Forbes knowing that she deserved all she was and had.

Samantha had become aware of the potential flaw in her work, having realised some time ago, that Jen shared no such desires. Without such self-motivation, Violet was correct. So blinded by her own ambitions, to prove her theory, Samantha had not considered having to force patients back into the life they despised.

But for the television personality, Jennifer Forbes, to remain a maid Really, is that what her agent is implying, surely not?

Samantha reached forward and refilled Violet’s glass.

“Well, I did not expect that Violet, but I am so glad that you are taking a pragmatic and rational approach to what your client wanted and agreed to have done to herself. What you say is most preceptive. I had always considered reversal, to rebuild the patient’s life, to be part of the treatment, that the patient would want to return to who and what they were. But you could be right, why would they. In fact, perhaps that is the last thing they would want, and resist. 

We are however not talking hypothetically are we, we are actually talking about your client and friend. Whilst I am getting the sense that you rather like seeing your celebrity client aproned, I have to ask. Are you implying, your words not mine, that you would be comfortable and condone a continued incubation of Jen rather than seeking a reversal, the return of Jennifer Forbes?”

Violet chuckled before sipping on her drink.

By her own desire and your facilitation, it is clear to see that Miss Jennifer Forbes, is no longer the celebrity television personality but a non-descript housemaid by the name of Jen. So, in answer to your question, yes Samantha, I have no issue with your continued development of your maid. Better for all concerned to keep Jen a maid than force it back into a life it despised.

Of Course, you will do as you see fit with the continuation of your patient’s treatment.  I however must now think in practical terms regarding what, under your guidance, Jennifer has become. Arrangements will have to be made.

I had a client who presented a very successful television program, a new series of which begins filming in three weeks’ time. That program and filming will go ahead with or without Miss Jennifer Forbes. I respectfully suggest, that with the best will in the world, it will be without.

I have already been forwarded, the scripts for the first episodes and the customary advance for the new series banked. You will understand, that given the circumstances, I will have to organise a replacement for Miss Forbes. I have a number of clients who are capable and will jump at the chance to replace Jennifer on the show. I doubt they will despise the fame and fortune the show will bring them.

Violet looked at her watch and stood from the sofa.

“It’s late and I have much to do. Thank you for dinner Samantha, and of course for putting my mind at rest concerning my client, a most interesting evening. I need a little time to think how best to handle matters. May I suggest that we meet for lunch during the week, Wednesday, say twelve thirty at the Savoy.  My initial thoughts are that one way or another we have three weeks to finalise arrangements for your maid.”

Having taken Violet to the door personally Samantha returned to the lounge. Olga handed her a whisky and smiled.

“I guess that went as well as we could have expected. So, do you trust her, this Violet woman, do you think she is really relaxed about what we have done to her client.

Samantha stared into her whiskey glass and chuckled. 

“I am not sure; before dinner I anticipated a little more confrontation and, despite having seen her client willingly accepting to be aproned, I fully expected Jennifers agent to demand Jennifers treatment to be stopped. Something changed when she saw Jen up close, saw her at work, serving table.  Violet seemed to move quite quickly from concerned to accepting. I guess that is how hard-nosed theatrical agents are. I am sure Violet has a reason for wanting her famous client to remain a maid, we shall have to wait and see what that is. 

After what Violet mentioned to us this evening however, about reversal, I think we should suspend the planned rehabilitation program for Jen, bring your notes to my office first thing in the morning.

Driving back across town Violet could not stop herself from giggling and chuckling at what had been revealed to her. She could not get the image of the aproned Jennifer Forbes out of her thoughts. The uniform, her hair, her curtsies, her whole servile demeanour.  Violet still found it hard to believe that her client had agreed to the treatment that she had received from Doctor James, and how effective that treatment had obviously been. Doctor James had everything documented and recorded Violet had seen Jennifer confess her frailties and accept the conditions of her treatment. Accept to trade the red carpet for cleaning the carpet. Along with being amused, Violet was still angry that Jennifer have not confided in her, discussed everything with her and considered the implications, which Violet was now confronted with.

Having now discovered the truth behind why, over recent months, she had been unable to contact her client, Violets genuine concern for Jennifers welfare had obviously been misplaced and her thoughts had now changed to something quite different. Violets advances had been rejected previously. Miss Jennifer Forbes too good for the likes of her agent. 

Sat at the traffic lights Violet laughed out loud. Perhaps a housemaid will be more receptive to her charms.