Monday, December 18, 2017

Story: Dancing With My Soul. Chapter 2.

by Andy Engines

The old woman smiled as she spoke, intently looking at me as if she could will me to understanding. It had been two weeks now and I still didn’t understand a word but as she started pantomiming sweeping the floor understanding dawned. I smiled back at her and put my book down and took up a brush and started to help sweep the floor. As we worked she constantly talked and I had no idea if she was talking to herself or to me but I found her company soothing. Right now I needed company and I couldn’t face being alone once more in the mess that had unfolded around me. As we worked she continued to smile and every now and then looked over at me and nodded her head whilst making a clucking sound that I hoped was approval.

Just as the void created in my soul at the death of my parents was starting to heal a new one had opened up. The last two weeks had been a terrifying ordeal and it still hadn’t fully sunk in, it felt as if I was stuck in a dream, or rather stuck in a nightmare. The moment when I was sat in the bath and Marija entered was etched vividly into my memory.

“Oh my God, you don’t think?”


“No I don’t Mistress, but let me go and see if I can find out anything new. It wont hurt to find out what is happening.”

I looked at her and felt the bottom falling out of my world, this was the last thing I needed right now. She looked up at me and a look of resolution crossed her face.

“Don’t worry Mistress, it will be ok.”

I was in the sitting room when she quietly returned and as she looked at me she smiled briefly.

“Marije, tell me what have you heard.”

“Not too much Mistress but everyone is talking about Andreas and how he always swam in the small marina. They say that he was warned many times against swimming near the routes where the boats passed. There is great sadness but everyone appears to think it was an accident waiting to happen.”

“Oh my God. Then it may not have been our fault?”

She looked away and I saw her purse her lip before looking back and speaking once more.

“I can’t say anything but all I know is a young man is dead.”

The words hit me like a slap on the face as I realised I was more worried about my circumstances than those of the poor mans family. There was nothing I could say and I felt totally deflated.

“Mistress, I am sorry I didn’t mean to be rude, I merely meant to say that his death is a certainty. It is possible you didn’t play a part in it and above all I wish to protect you. We cannot change what has happened but I do fear for you a little.”

Her words lifted my head “Fear for me?” I was staring at her watching as she fumbled for words.

“Yes fear for you. This is not America and justice can be harsh and often misdirected. Many times innocent people have fallen foul to the Police just so they can close a file and say their job is well done. Justice here can be… how do you say … unjust.” She paused as if trying to make a decision and then blurted out “In the morning allow me to visit the police and try to understand what is happening.“

“You can not do that Marije, if any one goes I should go as I was driving the boat.”

“But Mistress you don’t speak Croatian and even if I were with you they wouldn’t allow me to sit with you if they wish to question you. Those pigs would insist on a translator and until he arrives you would be held and that could be days not hours. I know how this country works believe me. But maybe there is a way.”

I looked at her expectantly. “Which is?”

“I could pretend to be you.”

“What.”

“I could say I am you. Purely to make enquiries and find out what is happening, surely there is no harm in that.”

“But Marije we look nothing alike, how could you pass for me, it wouldn’t work even if I agree to it.”

“But Mistress no one knows us here, only a few people have seen you and the few days we have been here we have been on remote beaches. At best people will have a vague idea of what you look like. It can work.”

“Marije, for starters your hair is black and mine is blonde, even an idiot who has seen me from a distance would see that.”

“Hair can be changed Mistress.”

In the morning light I stood looking at Marije with her new hair. It had taken an age but somehow we had managed to dye her hair to a lighter colour and although it wasn’t quite as light as mine it was close enough. As I stood looking at her I kept reminding myself that what we were doing wasn’t wrong. We were only trying to find out what was happening and nothing more.  

“Marije, change your clothes, you look wrong.”

“Sorry Mistress.”

“Your clothes, they don’t look right, change into some of my clothes. If we are going to do this then we do it right. You have to dress the part.”

Now that we were committed to this course of action I wanted every little last detail to be correct. Nothing could go wrong. People may not know me but they know the image and image was everything if we were to fool the Police. I caught myself as the thought crossed my mind, we were trying to fool the police. This was real.

Once Marije was dressed I had her stand in front of the mirror and stand straighter. Thoughts of school came back and being made to walk and stand with books on my head, hours spent getting used to the most uncomfortable positions that were considered proper and correct for a young lady.

“Ok, say my name Marije, say ‘I am Miss Valentina Van Den Berg’.”

“Mistress?”

“Marije, if you are going to do this my name has to flow off your tongue, I need you to say it and forget Mistress ok. In this I am not taking no for an answer.”

I watched her speaking and winced inwardly at her attempts and not only that but she slouched all the time. On impulse I removed my wristwatch, necklace, bracelet and rings.

“Here. Put these on and try at least try to feel like me.” I paused as I helped her put my jewellery on and then directed her to the mirror again.

“Now say your name and look deep into your own eyes and believe it Valentina.”

She looked into my eyes reflected from the mirror and then back into her own. Slowly I saw her back straighten, her head lifted imperceptibly. Her eyes moved with her head and remained fixed on her reflection. I could see her chest rise and fall and then it filled out as she breathed deeply in. She grew as she straightened.


“I am Valentina Van Den Berg.” She paused for a fraction of a second and then smiled as if in greeting.


13 comments:

  1. My one critique, and this applies to a lot of these stories, is that the protagonist is borderline deficient. She’s so easily swindled. It’s like a kid performing a magic trick for a dog.

    In the two weeks following the unfortunate accident, Miss Van Den Berg is not yet a suspect. Instead of fleeing the country and/or seeking legal help from any of the countless lawyers from the previous chapter, she decides that the best course of action is have her maid poke around for information. After learning that the local police may be corrupt, she thinks that her next step should be to turn herself in? And then because they might treat her poorly, her maid should go in her place? The very simple solution to her problem is to not go talk to the police.

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    1. Unfortunately, if people acted sensibly none of these stories would work. There are exceptions but most rely on the protagonist not doing the sensible thing and we're all guilty of that from time to time. Even Camille's 'Scrubbing His Record Clean' relies on the main protagonist doing silly things but the story would be nothing without that.

      If you're not familiar with Andy's other stories you might like to read them over at 'The Changing Mirror' (https://thechangingmirror.com/phpbb/). Most of the fiction there seems to an obsession with weight gain but Andy's are different and well written. Give them as try. This is a change for him and one he seems to be carrying off very well.

      Robi

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    2. Thank you for your criticism, it is extremely interesting to read another persons perspective regarding the set up. For me the set up or the foundation is that which the story is built on and I try my utmost for a believable plot, this for me is a huge part of the story and in some ways bigger than what comes. As for stupid decisions I think we all make them and I agree with Robi in that without some stupid decisions these stories can't exist but your points are valid. I can explain in detail my thoughts but that won't change the point of view of you the reader. I am guilty of time compression in my stories as I want them to move rapidly, I don't want them to stagnate and overly bore the reader. Any ideas you have or suggestions are welcome as I like to listen and incorporate many in my stories. Feedback really is the best editor.

      Andy Engines

      You have definitely made me think and for that I sincerely thank you,

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    3. The prevalence of romance scams shows how ordinary people can be blind to the obvious. She's not in love, but she is isolated in a foreign country and that makes her vulnerable. That being said, I think that if the information about a dead body had come from the police (or actors participating in Marije's scam), that would've put a good scare into her. Maybe they could've taken away the boat for analysis.

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    4. There is a good reason why "now watch me" are possibly the most common last words worldwide. People are prone to do stupid things, even the most rational of us are not immune from making decisions that, in hindsight, look nothing short of idiotic. So if you think that lady to maid stories are somehow unique in this respect, all you need to do is read your local tabloid or watch a couple of talk shows. The most hapless heroine in this blog will look like a calculating machine by comparison!

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    5. I've never heard this "now watch me" expression, could you explain it in greater detail?

      While the swap is pretty much par for the course as far as ladies becoming maids is concerned, I think that the writing in the first chapter was so richly detailed that it makes the transition all the more jarring. The simplistic leaps of logic stand in stark contrast to the beautiful prose that preceded it.

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    6. The setup is easily the least important part, so it's not a big deal if it's a little wishy-washy. I look forward to seeing what dreams may come.

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    7. "I've never heard this "now watch me" expression, could you explain it in greater detail?"

      Sorry, that was probably a bit of an inside joke. I was referring to numerous instances caught on camera and often posted on social media that depict last moments before people do something incredibly dangerous and just stupid and die trying. Very often these actions are preceded by "guys, watch me do this" kind of phrase (followed by a gruesome death. Hence "last words").

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    8. An Appreciative ReaderDecember 19, 2017 at 11:44 PM

      An interesting exchange - it's good to read differences of opinion expressed intelligently with give and take on each side, how rare this is for Internet comments...

      I find myself somewhere in the middle; I have a curse that the story has to be believable or it can really bug me, I know films that have driven me mad and others have simply taken it more at face value and enjoyed it. If I'm honest *for me* (which doesn't mean for others necessarily) the plot device is a little quick, perhaps some more set up, questions being asked, a lie about passports withheld, a little play on paranoia that, yes, as humans we can feel and especially in a strange country. Against that, though, I like this twist on the scenario and I'm curious as to Marije's motivation, is this an eye for the chance or was there always a plan. I also like the way Valentina is blithely contributing to her fall in circumstances. So good story and looking forward to the next chapter!

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    9. "There is a good reason why "now watch me" are possibly the most common last words world" says our hostess, Camille and she may well be right but ...

      I used to work in aerospace and I remember a training course where we were played flight voice recordings from fatal air crashes to see how they were often a result of a communication break down on the flight deck. In those, the most common last words were 'Oh shit!' They tend to be my words, too, when I realise I've done something stupid ... again! :)

      Robi

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    10. Real has to be in the readers mind and we can never get to everyone, I have read stories that are impossible in their plot and yet so well written I have been sucked in and the plot works for me.

      There is a comment about the prose in the first chapter and the difference between that and the second, an extremely good point and I am very happy to have read it. I must confess I focused on plot too much in my effort to get into the story, I will endeavour to take more time and be patient.

      As someone said some great points have come out, it is indeed rare to see these exchanges on the internet and yet, for me at least, they are so rewarding. So thank you and please keep comments flowing, there is no negative only positive in my eyes.

      Andy Engines

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    11. The kids today are preferable to the catchphrase "Hold my beer"

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  2. Great set up looking forward to more

    Jackie J
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